Pirates: The Curse of the Cheap Bling
by Hypothetically
Summary: Back in ye days of olde, pirates roamed the seven seas, pillaging and partying to their hearts content. With drama queens, fanatics, hand puppets and a person obsessed with 'WOOF', a jolly time is sure to be had by all!
1. The Beginning

_Disclaimer: Arr avast ye salty dogs!_

---

**Chapter 1 – The Story Begins…**

The scene opens on a vast expanse of water, somewhere in the Caribbean where a ship was floating on the calm, glasslike surface of the sea. There was not hardly a wave to lap against the hull, nor was there hardly a wind to billow in the sails.

Grey, forbidding clouds scudded across the pearly moon, which hung like a ghost in the indigo sky and the mist was low and heavy over the water.

The mast and rigging of the ship creaked in an eldritch manner as the sails caught what little wind there was and propelled the vessel slowly onwards.

On the deck of this ship stood a young girl of about ten. She was travelling on this ship from England to Jamaica with her father. She looked out to the vast expanse of darkened water before her, brown curls snared in the breeze along with the heavy brocade folds of her dress. Her soft little voice carried far out to sea, singing a haunting, ageless sea-shanty she had picked up from the crew.

"LUUURVE SHACK IS A LITTLE OLD PLACE WHERE WE CAN GET TOGETH-ERRR" She sang, doing some impromptu dancing worthy of Britney Spears' pre-bald days.

She was suddenly silence by a rough hand on her shoulder. The girl leapt like salmon as she turned face Mr Gibbs, some guy who was hopefully going to help get them safely to Jamaica.

She shrieked in utmost terror whilst he stared at her in slight bemusement.

"Oh, sorry." She said when she realised who it was and stopped screaming. "Sorry Mr Gibbs, I thought you were one of the dead rotting corpses of the horsemen of the apocalypse. This light really does no favours for you." She raised a hand to her fluttering heart and flashed him an innocent smile.

"Oh, aye, aye. That it doesn't. I'm considering surgery." He agreed solemnly. "I just came to tell yer to shut yer face. There be cursed pirates in these waters. Wouldn't like to get beaten up by one would yer?"

Just as she was about to agree with this reasoning, Lieutenant Norrington came perving over.

"Missssssssster Gibbs, that will do." He said sleazily. "I'd tell you what I'D like to do…" His winking and nodding at the girl was accompanied by a few pelvic thrusts, just so the rest of everyone who ever existed were sure on exactly what he meant. "Right, Elizabeth, eh, eh?? WOOF WOOF!" He said, nudging the ten year old with his elbow. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and took a step to the left.

"But! But! But! She was singin' the accursed song. She was singin'… the B52's…" Mr Gibbs whispered. "It's bad luck to be singin' Love Shack with all this fog… Mark my words…"

"Consider them totally and utterly ignored. Right, on your way." Norrington said with a satisfied nod.

"Huh?" Gibbs was confused.

"Get back to your duties."

"Wha?"

"Get out of my sight!!"

"Eh?"

"JUST PISS OFF YOU INSOLENT BEING!!"

"Oh, right. O' course Lieutenant. Yer should have said Lieutenant." Gibbs scurried off to the other side of the ship so he could carry on pretending like he was doing something, whilst actually he was drinking rum out of a secret barrel he kept in his pocket.

Elizabeth shrugged. "I think it would be a bit of a laugh to meet a pirate. Y'know a bit of a groove? Have a little party with a bit of the old Love Shack…"

"Think again Miss Swann. Violent, smelly people the lot of them. No sense of style at all. I am going to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag, wears the pirate brand or has a pirate themed party get what he deserves." Norrington posed dramatically, in the mistaken belief that he looked really heroic. It was slightly ruined by someone shouting in the background, "YOU JUST DON'T LIKE THAT THEY HAVE BETTER PARTIES THAN YOU!!!" Norrington cast this man an angry glare, but he was really short sighted so couldn't actually tell who said it, therefore ceasing the action of shooting the bugger.

Elizabeth looked fearful. "Wha… What do they deserve?"

"Who?"

"The pirates."

"Oh right them." Norrington resumed his heroic pose. "A short drop and a sudden stop. A poke in the eye and a kick up the arse and a slicing and dicing and a running through and a short back and sides and a taste of their own medicine…"

As Norrington rambled on about basically nothing, Elizabeth cast a confused gaze over to Mr Gibbs who was currently acting out Norrington's threats. When they got to the part about "listening to Elvis on repeat" Elizabeth's eyes widened in horror and she quickly looked back at the Lieutenant, begging him to stop. However, he mistook her horror for delight and went on with more gusto. "Then we RIP out their intestines and wrap them around their own HEAD and stick their COLON up their nose so, basically the bugger is smelling his own farts. Then, right, listen to this; it's the best bit. You've got to get two steel forks and shove them RIGHT into their eye sockets and TWIST it around a bit and then you-"

Very suddenly, Elizabeth's father, Governor Swann, stopped admiring his manicure and realised his young daughter was chucking-up over the side of the ship. He slimed over and cut off the rambling pervert in mid ramble.

"Er, Lieutenant Norrington. I appreciate you trying to teach my daughter a valuable life lesson-" He was interrupted by Norrington leering at Elizabeth and going, "I'll show YOU a life lesson. Eh, eh?" accompanied by some more pelvis action.

"BUT" The Governor continued loudly. "I'm a tad concerned about the effect this subject will have on her." He went over to Elizabeth who had stopped barfing at his point, and put his arm around her protectively.

Elizabeth shook and looked blankly ahead, mumbling to herself about "steel forks" and "colons".

"I thought she was finding it rather fascinating." Norrington grumbled.

"That's what's concerning me." The Governor said.

"Well, alright then. I think I've sufficiently horrified and repulsed you enough for thirty-five years of therapy and nightmares. Good day." Norrington perved off, grumbling to himself, "I'll show YOU what's fascinating. WOOF WOOF!"

Governor Swann pranced off to go and re-style his wig, leaving Elizabeth to ponder over the useful pieces of information she had just received. As she looked out across the water, she realised there was something floating towards the boat. As it came nearer, she saw it was a parasol. She looked slightly confused as a chair came floating up behind it. Then a wig. Then a cat that mewed pitifully. Then a television set, which was weird since they hadn't even been invented yet. Then Fairfax and Carsters from 'Allo 'Allo, who shouted "HELLO!!" loudly as they floated by.

Now, Elizabeth wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, so she spent a few moments pondering the strange sight and didn't realise the burning shipwreck and hoards of screaming men until it their ship was practically on top of it.

"Daddy!!" She screamed, deafening around thirty people as she did so. "Daaaaaddy, look!! There's a shipwreck!!" As her father pranced over, accompanied by most of the crew, she looked around at the crowd of drowning sailors and caught sight of a small boy lying on top of a raft made from two crewmen and a table leg. She pulled on her fathers voluminous and frankly rather feminine sleeve. "Can I have that one? Please, daddy, can I keep him?"

"Now, Elizabeth." Her father said sternly. "Hadn't you better pick one that's slightly more… well… alive?" He spied her face turning a scary shade of red and knew it was the wrong thing to say.

"But I want THAT ONE!!! I WANTHIMIWANTHIMIWANTHIIIIIM!!!" She screamed, drowning out Norrington's mutter of "I know what I want. Woof!"

Governor Swann sighed and patted his wig. "Alright fine. Bring him aboard!" A group of crewmen leapt into action and Elizabeth hugged her father. "Thank you daddy. I love you." She batted her eyelashes prettily at him. As the boy was dragged onto deck in a rather rough fashion, the Governor looked sternly at his daughter.

"Now, Elizabeth, you do realised having a pet is a lot of responsibility. You have to feed him and walk him every day; I'm not going to end up doing it for you. That is, if he's still alive." He added as an afterthought, glancing at the still figure on the deck. "Well off, you go then." He smiled. "And remember what I said. R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y." He then flounced off to re-re-style his wig as it had become frizzy in all the excitement.

"Sir, what are we goin' to do about the rest of 'em?" A passing crewmember asked him, pointing at the men wailing "HEEELP MEEEEE" in the water.

He wrinkled his nose at the sailor. "Well I don't want them cluttering up my ship." He said turning to walk off. He was again stopped, this time by Mr Gibbs who said loudly "Everyone was thinkin' it. I'm just saying it. PIRATES!" He shouted pointing at the wreckage as they sailed past.

"Actually I was thinking about the Powerpuff Girls." Said one surly looking crewman. Another crewman nodded in agreement.

Governor Swann snorted in a rather unladylike fashion. "Don't be silly. There is absolutely no proof of that. Powerpuggs. Really. And pirates aren't real either." He said, ignoring the skull and cross bones flag that was speared to the mast of the unfortunate vessel, along with a scrawled message of 'Barbossa woz 'ere'.

"And besides," Norrington said as he moonwalked past. "No one actually cares Gibbs. WOOF!"

Whilst the adults where having their grown up conversation, Elizabeth was left to care for the nearly dead boy. Because obviously, the child with zero medical experience is the best person for this. But also because the ship's doctor was too busy with one of the crew who had received a nasty splinter.

She sat and stared at the boy for a full minute before sighing loudly. "This is sooo boring." She said "You're boring!" She pulled out a length of string tied into a loop. She began to play cats cradle with herself before realising you need two people to play.

She drummed her fingers on the deck and hummed the forbidden song to herself for a while. She turned back to the boy and decided to wake him up.

"Hello?" She said. "Hello??" She repeated a bit louder this time. She raised a pointy little finger and then stabbed it sharply into his chest. "HELLO???"

Quite suddenly he snapped awake and grabbed her arm. "ARRR. What the blazes did yer do that fer, yer crazy wench. Arrr, walk the plank!!" He shouted, panting heavily,

She removed her hand from his iron-like grip and rubbed it crossly with her free hand. "Ow! That really hurt! And after, I, Elizabeth Swann, the most fabulous person ever, wasted seven whole minutes of my life watching over you."

Mistaking her enraged speech for an introduction he said. "W-w-w… w-w-w…w-w-w-wi-wi… w-w-wi-w-wi… wi-wi-wi-w-wi…"

Elizabeth decided to 'play along'. "Ooooh!" She squealed. "A game! I love games! Erm… w… WITCH! No? Um… WHEELBARROW! No?? Umm… WIDDERSHINS?? IT'S A REAL WORD! NO?? ER, ER, ER"

"W-wi-wi-wi… WILL TURNER!" The boy managed to gasp.

"What?" Elizabeth said incredulously. "That's a stupid answer. How was I supposed to get that?? Anyway, my turn-"

"No that's my name. Will Turner." Will Turner said, utterly bewildered as to what was going on.

"Oh? OH I SEE! Well, mines Elizabeth Swann." Elizabeth replied, patting his hand.

"I know." He said.

"How?"

"You just said."

"Oh right, okay then." There was a bit of silence. "Well, um. You know. Don't be afraid or anything. I'm, er. Watching over you." She said, flashing him her prettiest smile.

"Righto." Will looked around. "Well. I'll be going back to sleep then. On this… hard… uncomfortable deck, then?" He hinted hopefully.

"Okay then." Elizabeth sat back and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. Disgruntled, Will went back to sleep. On the hard… uncomfortable… deck. When there was probably a perfectly good bed somewhere…

As he slept, Elizabeth surveyed his appearance. Suddenly she caught sight of something shiny. She gently pulled out the golden chain around his neck and exclaimed. "Oh wicked! Blingin'!"

She studied the pendant carefully and spotting the skull emblem said joyfully. "GROOVY! You're a pirate!!" Before breaking into another verse of 'Love Shack'

"Has he said anything?" A voice said in her ear. She spun round and came face to face with a smirking Norrington. Hiding the pendant obviously behind her back, she said with shifty eyes "What? Me? I wasn't singing Love Shack, HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE-! Er, I mean. He said his name was Will."

"WOOF!" Norrington replied with a wink.

Elizabeth wandered off to the stern of the ship and looked more thoroughly at her new bling. As she lowered it from her line of vision she saw a ship in front of her, with ghostly tattered sails and the Jolly Roger flag. Several men where hanging off the ship going "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!! WAAAA!!!" at her, presumable to scare her. She gave them a funny look and at this point… She woke up.

---

WOOF!


	2. You Could Cut the Tension with a Knife

---

Chapter 2 – You Could Cut the Sexual Tension with a Knife. 

Elizabeth's eyes snapped open and she looked around, lips pursed like a bulldogs arse. She was trying to remember her dream. It was a dream she had had before, mostly because it had actually happened. She sat up suddenly and started to hyperventilate. "OHMYGODWHERETHEJESUSCHRISTAMI??" She wheezed with the beginnings of a spazz attack. "OHJESUSGODI'VEBEENKIDNAPPED! THEY'REGOINGTOKILLMEAND-" Very unexpectedly, she stopped rambling and looked around properly. "Oh. Oh right. I'm in my room. Why do I do that every morning?" She pondered to herself.

As she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, Elizabeth remembered the spooky dream. She was instantly reminded of the pirate bling she had stolen off her only friend. She stood up and moved towards her dressing table until she was interrupted by a knock at the door. She rolled her eyes and shouted "Go AWAY father. I'm in the NUDE."

Of course, she was not in the nude; her father just annoyed her quite a lot and experience had taught that this was the most effective way of getting rid of him. She opened one of the drawers on the dressing table and removed the contents and the secret false bottom. She removed the bottle of rum it contained, took a couple of swigs and then took the medallion out from its hiding place in her cleavage. Replacing the rum and the drawer she studied the gold and remarked at how odd it was that no one had ever noticed it hanging around her neck for eight years.

She looked into a mirror that hung on the wall and studied herself. She began to make some enthusiastic gangsta poses, complete with a ridiculous backwards cap. "Wicked bruv." She mumbled, crossing her arms gangsta style and looking surly. Her fun was once again ruined by a sharp knock at the door.

"Elizabeth?" Her father shouted through the door. "Can I come in yet?"

"Oh for pete's sake…" She grumbled, returning the medallion to her bosoms, taking off the cap and ripping her robe rather roughly from her bed. She shrugged it on sulkily.

"Are you alright dear? Are you decent?" Governor Swann continued to shout in his effeminate voice.

"Yes. Yes, bloody hell, yes." Elizabeth drawled in a bored voice as he walked in.

"What are you doing in bed at this hour? You freakishly lazy child." He said, frowning at her. One of the maids tore open the curtains with no warning, muttering "Muhahahahahahaaa" under her breath. Elizabeth shielded her eyes, hissing and screaming "ARRRRGHH!!! IT BURNS, IT BURNS".

"Don't be so melodramatic." Her father reprimanded. She spat at him from her position on the floor. "You should be nicer to me, you know. I've brought you a present." Elizabeth's eyes lit up dramatically as she leapt in the air squealing, "Presents! Ooh I LOVE presents!! Thank you daddy, thankyouthankyou!!"

No, Elizabeth was _not_ a spoiled brat. She just appreciated the finer things in life and- well okay. She's a spoiled brat. So spoiled in fact, she was incapable of opening her own presents; daddy had to do it for her.

"Oh wow. I mean, it's er… very nice father." She said, slightly dejectedly. She eyed the curtain-ish pattern on the poncey dress contained in the gift box.

"Try it on then." Governor Swann beamed enthusiastically.

"May I inquire as to the occasion?" Elizabeth asked, practising her coy voice.

"What?" He replied. Elizabeth sighed.

"Why did you get me a gift?" She said slowly, as if she were talking to a small, backwards child.

"Does a father NEED an occasion to treat his spoiled little girl?" He smiled.

"No daddy of course not!" She squealed in reply, running behind the screen, dragging the maids by the mobcaps.

"Well, actually. Now that you mention it. Because you brought it up. Not my idea WHATSOEVER… I was wondering if you would wear it to Captain James Norrington's promotion ceremony this afternoon… Commodore Norrington as of this afternoon…"

Elizabeth stuck her head up from behind the screen and threw her robe and nightgown over the top. "Eurgh, Pervy Jimjams?? I knew it! Why would I want to waste my gift on him?"

"Oh Elizabeth, don't be like that. He's a fine gentleman, don't you think? He fancies you, you know."

She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, I noticed. Well if you think winking lecherously at my bust and shouting 'WOOF' every ten seconds is gentlemanly, then yes. Yes I do think he is a gentleman of the first waterrRARRRGHHHH."

"Elizabeth? How's it coming back there?" Governor Swann stopped teasing the knots out of his wig and looked worriedly at the screen.

"Well…" She wheezed, whilst looking round at the maid who was ferociously pulling at the corset strings. One of the maid's feet was propped on the screen and the other jammed against the wall, whilst the other maid screamed frantically 'SUCK IT IN! SUCK IT IN!'

"It's a bit hard to say…" Elizabeth squeaked.

"I'm told it's the latest fashion. In London, Paris AND Milan! MILAN!" The Governor replied, a bit disappointed that his gift was rather shoddy and made for a child.

"I don't give a flying rats arse about Milan! Good lord, do the women there even HAVE lungs??"

"What?"

"I'm sure if I cut mine out and gave them to the poor I could fit in this dressOH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!" Elizabeth screamed as the third row of string closed on the corset.

The carnage was interrupted by a butler who came in discretely and politely. He gave the screen a funny look (but a POLITE funny look, it was the butler). It did rather sound like someone was being murdered. Which I suppose you could argue Elizabeth was. "Erm… You have a visitor M'lord." He said uncertainly.

"Very well!" The Governor smiled. "You carry on with that Elizabeth. Just remember; THINK THIN!"

And with that, he pranced off after the butler down the stairs.

Meanwhile, the grown up version of William Turner was mooching around the entrance hall, prodding, poking and otherwise vandalising everything he saw. He meandered over to the candelabra on the wall and stared at it. It wasn't particularly interesting; he was just kind of obsessed with shiny things.

"Shiiiiiiiiiinyyyy…" He whispered, feeling the smoothness of the metal. It promptly fell off in his hand with a resounding clunk. "Bollocks…" Will whispered, looking around frantically for somewhere to put it as the sound of footsteps was heard on the stairs. He quickly kicked the broken candelabra under the hall table with the rest of the junk he had broken over the years and tried to look innocent.

"AH! Mr TURNER! How absolutely SPIFFING to see you again!!" Will looked up as Governor Swann came flouncing down the stairs with a disturbingly wide smile on his face. Will was slightly scared at how alarmingly cheerful the Governor always was to see him.

"Oh, er. Good day sir." Will said uncertainly as the Governor stood in front of him and just smiled. Really widely. Like a salesperson. "I have your order…" Will fumbled with the long, heavy box he was carrying and tried to slip in neatly onto the hall table. Unfortunately, the memory of all the broken junk underneath said table made him slip and the box went crashing into a vase of flowers, spilling water everywhere.

"Oh, hell! I'm so sorry sir!" Will cried, feeling the trembly-lower-lip syndrome coming on.

Governor Swann just grinned and flicked water droplets from his flowery housecoat. "Don't worry about it dear boy! No harm done! I never like this coat anyway! Not nearly embroidered enough!" He straightened his wig and patted it back into shape. "Show me the goods then!"

Will opened the box carefully (managing not to kill himself in the process) and took out a long, heavy sword, intricately and expertly crafted. He lovingly stroked the sword, as if it were a pet hamster, and handed it carefully to the Governor, saying worriedly "Mind his head!"

The Governor removed the sword from its scabbard with a flourish and began to inspect it thoroughly.

"Er, the blade is folded steel. With a touch of cinnamon." Will said, rather feeling that the situation called for a running commentary. Even though it didn't.

"Cinnamon?" Governor Swann inquired.

"Yes, it keeps it smelling nice. No matter how many pirates you slay. PIRATES!" Will yelled, and they both spat on the floor. "That's gold filigree inlaid into the handle. With a hint of vanilla." Will continued.

"Vanilla?" The Governor asked.

"Yes, it keeps it morning fresh. No matter how many sweaty hands molest my poor little baby."

"Molest?"

"Er, I mean, USE it. No matter how many people USE the sword."

The Governor nodded cheerfully in a satisfied manner.

"If I may?" Will asked hopefully, reaching for the sword. The Governor relinquished it gladly and the young blacksmith began to ramble on about something no one cared about for a while.

Governor Swann just stared at the boy in wonder. It was simply amazing how a person could be so completely obsessed with something so boring, he thought. He never wanted to get on Will's bad side, as who knows what he could do with that obsession of swords??

Very suddenly, Will did some kind of weird, flippy circus trick with the weapon. Of course, the Governor wasn't prepared for these types of high-jinks and didn't do the safe thing and take a step backwards.

"ARGH!! OH JESUS CHRIST! YOU IDIOT BOY! ARGH!!" The Governor screamed, holding a savaged piece of wig.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry sir!" Will cried in dismay, trying to re-attatch the piece of wig. The Governor batted his hand away and smiled.

"No, no, don't panic yourself. It's just a scratch. I have plenty more wigs." The Governor said, oblivious to the fact that his ear was haemorrhaging all over his shoulder. "Well, it's a very nice sword. I'm sure Commodore Norrington will be very pleased with it." Will cleaned the blood off and put the sword away in its box.

"If you'll excuse me. I need to change my wig." The Governor said, turning to leave. "Oh, and please do pass my compliments on to your master." He said before sashaying into the next room, missing the glowering look on Will's face.

"Bloody GOD!!" He cried. "MY MASTER DIED FOUR YEARS AGO!!! IT'S ME!! ALL MEEEE!!"

As a maid came in to clean up the blood/water/broken vase, Will tried to stop hyperventilating. The maid gave him a funny look as she lifted up the hem of the lace tablecloth and caught a glimpse of five years worth of broken stuff. Will whistled and looked around the room surreptitiously, trying to look innocent.

After the maid was safely gone, he made sure his precious creation was secure and turned to leave. However, the Governor re-entered the room wearing an even frillier coat, an even poncier wig and a bandage on his ear. At exactly the same time, Elizabeth appeared on the stairs wearing the child's dress and looking immaculate.

"Oh, Elizabeth! You look absolutely ravishing! Doesn't she look ravishing William?" The Governor said excitedly, nudging Will unnecessarily hard in the ribs. "Although I'm not sure about the tea-tray on your head… My! You do get ready rather fast! Doesn't she William?"

All Will could say was "Mfheungh" and gape like a wide mouthed tree frog. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Or even… a sword.

Spotting Will, Elizabeth squealed loudly "WILL!! OH MY GOD!!! WILL!! SNOG ME!!!" and leaned over the banister, trying to give him a good look down her dress. Her father coughed conspicuously and she rethought her greeting. "Oh hello Will. I didn't see you there. It's so good to see you." She said politely, gliding gracefully down the stairs.

Will merely stood, with a visible trail of drool running down his chin.

"I had a dream about you last night." She said seductively, coming to a stop beside her father.

"About me?" Will managed to stutter, hoping desperately it was the kinky sort of dream.

"Elizabeth, is that entirely proper for you to…?" Unfortunately, the Governors disapproving sentence wasn't heard by the two young people, as they were too busy slavering over each other.

"It was about the day we met, do you remember?" Elizabeth continued, in the same seductive voice.

"How could I forget? You saved my life! You're my everything! I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I-" Thankfully, Will's nauseating reply was drowned out by a loud honking noise.

"Oh! Look! There's the carriage!" Governor Swann cried in relief. "We really must be going! Come on Elizabeth!" He said, dragging her by the arm as she continued to try and lick Will.

"Noo! Don't leave me my love!! NOOOOOO!!" Will screamed, falling to his knees as the carriage drove off, Elizabeth's face pressed against the window as she mouthed "I LOVE YOU WILL".

He then realised that someone had taken the precious sword he had come to deliver.

Weeping, he collapsed face down onto the floor screaming "WHY?? WHY???"

And the carriage rode on, taking his woman, his sword and his dignity with it.

---


	3. What Seems to be the Problem?

_Argh yes, I just re-read this for no reason and realised how awful this chapter was. Deary me. So here it is. It made me laugh. So, you know. Enjoy yourselves. It gets better as it goes along. Promise!_

_Disclaimer: Arr ye salty gammon!_

**Chapter 3 – What Seems to be the Problem Officer?**

A small boat was currently making its way towards Elizabeth, Will and Port Pacamac, its Captain posing heroically atop the main sail. Illuminated against the clouded sky he stared sexily into the distance, at the port that was his destination.

His brooding gazing was interrupted by a loud revving noise, accompanied by several high-pitched screeches.

Jack Sparrow's gaze wearily slid to his right where a motorboat full of screaming girls (and one boy) had pulled up alongside his tiny boat.

"OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!" The girls (and boy), screeched in cheesy American accents. They were sobbing like loons and trying to reach him. "OHMIGOD JACK!! WE SO, LIKE, LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!"

"AAAAHH! CANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPH???"

"MARRY ME JACK, MARRY MEEE!"

Jack rolled his eyes to the heavens. "Bloody hell." He muttered. "As if I didn't have enough to deal with…" He looked down at his boat, where seawater was currently leaking in through various holes in the sides. "Leave me alone!" He yelled. They ignored him. Jack grabbed a rope attached to the mast and slid down it, landing with a splashy thump in the boat. This prompted more screaming from the boat of fangirls and cries such as "OH HE IS, LIKE, SOOO COOL!!!"

Jack grabbed a bucket and began bailing the water from the vessel, whilst trying desperately to ignore the boat of girls. Of course, he could have hitched a lift with them, but taking one more look at them he mumbled, "I'd _really_ rather choose drowning."

However, after a surprisingly sharp force nearly toppled him backwards into the water he turned to glare at them.

A shrill yell of "I got his SASH!" mingled with groans of disappointment ("I really wanted to see him all sexy and wet!") greeted Jack as he grabbed the bucket, scooped up a pail of water and threw it at the motorboat.

"Go on! Get out of it!" He roared as the group in the motorboat began shrieking that their hair was getting wet. With a mixture of kiss blowing and fist shaking the motorboat zoomed off, no doubt to go and show off the stolen sash to various friends.

Jack grinned at his own amazingness. "That showed them!" he said, before going back to bailing the water. He stopped a few moments later as a natural rocky arch loomed up in front of him, a wooden beam thrust in between the arch and men in varying degrees of decay hanging by the neck from said beam. The least moulding looking pirate raised his hat as Jack sailed past.

"Awright, Jack mate!" The hanging pirate said.

Jack raised his hat back. "Hello!" he called. "Haven't seen you in ages mate!"

"I know! What's it been? Few months? 'Ow you bin keepin'?" Hanging pirate replied.

"Alright I s'pose. Yourself?" Jack said.

Hanging pirate shrugged as well as anyone can whilst dangling from the neck. "Can't complain, mate, can't complain."

Jack grinned amiably. "Well I got to be going. Don't think this old boat'll hold out much longer. See you around, yeah?"

Pirate smiled back and nodded. "Yeah! Call me up sometime. We'll do lunch." Hanging pirate waved. Jack saluted him and looked back towards the slowly approaching island.

He stroked his beard thoughtfully and looked at the seawater swirling merrily around his feet. A small octopus swum around his left boot.

"Well." He said brightly as the boat very gradually began to capsize. "That's the party-boat entrance out the window." He looked back at the port and tried to judge the distance. "No time for the hell-raising entrance either…Shame, liked that one…" He mused. He glanced at the mast of the boat, a bright idea forming in his brain…

A few moments later the assortment of characters gracing the quay of Port Pacamac looked on in wonder as Jack Sparro- SORRY- CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow sailed in to port, tap dancing on the mast of his rapidly sinking boat.

It came to a halt, just as the crows nest was about to go under, at an empty spot on the dock. Jack leapt off the mast onto the jetty, landing on one knee and ending his dance with some jazz hands and a "TA DA!"

Everyone in the quay clapped, cheered and whistled at the spectacle. Several woman in the audience swooned at the sheer sexiness of Jack and his dancing.

He bowed and waved, grinning boyishly at them all. "Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week folks!" He said smiling for the camera's that began snapping his photo.

A policeman came grumbling over, clutching a ticket book as Jack began to push past the crowds, still grinning and blowing kisses.

"Hold up there you!" The policeman groused, a small boy following him, swaying slightly under a large and heavy pile of old tickets.

Jack stopped and turned on his heel. "What seems to be the problem officer?" He asked dashingly, with a charming grin.

"You're double parked there mate." The policeman pointed at the very sunk boat. "You're either gonna have to move it or I'm gonna have to give you a ticket."

Jack looked at the boat with raised eyebrows and then back to the policeman, not sure if he was joking or not. "Er… is this a wind up?" He asked, looking round for any hidden cameras. The policeman glared. "I'll take that as a no…" Jack muttered, pulling out a leather purse. "How about we forget the ticket and I just give you three shillings?" He asked hopefully.

"Are you… Are you trying to _bribe_ me?" The policeman said in an astonished voice. "I am an upstanding gentleman of the LAW! I have a moral conduct to uphold and an alliance to His Majesty! I take great offence in-"

Jack cut him off quickly. "And I'll throw in a cheese and pickle sandwich."

"Done!" The policeman said happily taking the money and the sandwich from Jack. The small boy raised his eyes behind the pile of parking tickets, although nobody could see it as he was quite short and the tickets were quite tall.

However, as Jack walked off he swiftly reached out and grabbed the policeman's change purse from his belt when he wasn't looking. "Yoink!" Jack yelled, running off, cackling like a mad person.

---

Meanwhile, up at the fort, Commodore Norrington's (or rather, Pervy Jimjams') promotion ceremony was fully underway.

The military band marched through the middle of the courtyard playing the Macarena whilst precise rows of soldiers did the accompanying dance.

Several dozen rich and important people watched the proceedings, feigning interest.

Elizabeth sat next to a woman with a horribly wrinkled neck, sighing loudly and muttering furiously to herself. "Bloody boring bloody ceremony." She said darkly. "Stupid bloody idiot dress. Made for a bloody stupid bloody child." Several men with poncey wigs looked on in annoyance. "Sssssshhh!" they hissed as someone threw popcorn at the back of her head. This was apparently a very amusing game, evidenced by the fact that some children then started to try and see who could get the most snacks on Elizabeth's tea-tray hat.

---

Elsewhere, Jack, unable to find a tavern that wasn't full of stuffy old men sipping tea out of delicate china cups, had resorted to the next thing on his to-do list; finding a new ship.

He peered around a palm tree at a large, expensive looking ship, cackling quietly. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking (which several people were; they hadn't quite forgotten his fabulous entrance). He sneaked off toward the dock with exaggerated tiptoe movements. He ducked and army-rolled over a bridge and then leapt, commando style, over a wall onto the beach where he crawled over the sand towards a surprisingly unmanned ship.

---

Back at the fort, the band had progressed to the Cha-Cha Slide. "A step to the front!" Governor Swann called and the soldiers, separated into two lines, took two steps forward. "Take it back now y'all!" They took one step back. "Criss-cross!" They criss-crossed their feet. "Criss-cross!" They criss-crossed again. "Everybody clap your hands!" Everyone clapped their hands. Even the rich and important tapped their hands together politely. Norrington appeared at the beginning of the two lines of soldiers and began to dance down the aisle they made, doing some alarming hip movements.

"WOOF!" He shouted excitedly. "WOOF! Yeah! You know you like it like that!"

The sun glinted off the obscene amounts of gold and silver thread embroidering the Governor's dress coat, blinding Norrington slightly. He went crashing into the band, injuring several people in the process. "I'm okay!" He shouted, clambering up and waving his arms around, attempting to save his 'image' from the embarrassment. There were various muffled screams along the lines of "There's an oboe in my eye!"

Norrington was then handed Will's ceremony sword by Governor Swann, as some paramedics ran over to help the injured. Governor Swann took a tiny step back and began to pat his girlish hat back into place. He wound his wig around his fingers, to get some of the curls back into their perfect ringlets. Norrington began to do some very Will-ish circus tricks with the sword, flailing it around going "HI-YAH! HI-YAAAH!" He also attempted some rather awful fly-kicks. The sword went biting through the air and Governor Swann screamed loudly.

"ARRRGH!! OH JESUS WHY!! NOT AGAIN!!" He shrieked, cradling his severed finger and newly savaged lock of wig.

Elizabeth was not paying attention as several medics ran to her father and Norrington abandoned the sword in order to 'help' (i.e. take the opportunity to feel someone up).

She fidgeted and pulled the child dress, muttering to herself in an incomprehensible manner. The children jeered at her as her squirming knocked some of the assorted snacks off of her hat.

Nobody except the children were paying her any attention though. They were too busy laughing as her father was currently sobbing like a woman on the floor, refusing to let anyone take his precious wig.

---

In the middle of a wooden dock, a plank of wood creaked as it was pushed from underneath. The plank of wood slowly raised skywards, perched atop Jack's head. He surreptitiously glanced this way and that, realised that the only two soldiers on duty were looking at naughty magazines behind some barrels and cautiously pulled his self up onto the jetty. He stood up slowly and quietly then stuffed his hands in his pockets and sidled over to the ship, whistling innocently.

Unfortunately he was spied by one of the soldiers who frantically stuffed the magazines out of sight and jogged over to Jack, dragging the second soldier with him.

"Please go away right now." Said the first, blushing guard who kept glancing at a barrel and its hidden contents.

"Yeah, this dock is off limits. You'll have to go away." Said the other guard, in a terrified way.

"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. I shall be leaving immediately." Jack said, meaning to push past them to the shiny and expensive ship. The guards blocked his way once more, so he rethought tactics.

"Apparently there's some sort of fancy soirée up at the fort. How could it be that you two, er…" Jack saw the guards glancing frantically at the hidden magazines, saw their eyes willing him to go away so they could dispose of them. "…erm, upstanding gentlemen of the Kings establishment did not merit an invitation?" He looked at them pityingly and understandingly as guard one said "Someone has to make sure that no one comes near this ship." However guard two looked at guard one, his lip trembling.

"No! He's right Merv!" Guard two cried, throwing his arms around guard one (a.k.a. Merv). "Nobody wants us! Why am I doomed to be alone forever??" Guard two proceeded to sob into his friend's shoulder whilst unfortunate Merv patted him on the back and said words of encouragement.

"Remember what they told us in the meetings Phillip. Come on, let's chant." Guard two, otherwise known as Phillip sniffed and wiped his eyes on his hand, mumbling the chant learnt in the self-confidence classes.

"I'm a beautiful person and worthy of love. I'm a beautiful person and worthy of love…" They said, one guard considerably more upbeat than the other.

Jack looked at them with raised eyebrows. "Hmm. Right. Yes." He said. "I'll be going then." He edged past them on tip-toe and bounded up the gang plank on the ship.

Phillip sniffed again and hugged Merv. "Thanks mate. I don't know what I would do without you." He said. As he did this, he caught sight of Jack standing at the wheel of the shiny expensive ship, violently turning the wheel and making vrooming noises.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM THERE! YOU… YOU… CIVILLIAN!" Phillip cried, storming onto the ship, followed by Merv, both with their muskets raised. "You don't have permission to be aboard!"

"Maybe he does. Have you actually asked him?" Said Merv in a level tone.

Phillip spluttered for a bit. "Shut UP Merv!" He cried. "You're undermining my authority!"

Jack very nearly said "Oh well" in a patronising tone, but remembered the pointy objects in his face just in time. "I was only looking." He said hurriedly. "Yes, that's it. Looking. It's just such a pretty boat. I'm very interested in that sort of thing. Ooh yes. Would you look at that interesting wood-carving." He said in an unconvincing voice, pointing in a random direction.

The guards looked suspiciously at him. It's a wonder nobody had noticed he was a pirate yet. He may as well have been wearing a sign that said 'HI THAR! I BE A PIRATE! ARR WALK THE PLANK YE SALTY DOGS'

"What's your name?" Merv asked.

"Erm… Pamela? Oh, no that won't work…" He looked around for some inspiration. "Cannon…ing…ton…?" Jack said with a hopeful smile. Seeing they weren't totally convinced he pressed on. "Erm, yes that's me. Mr Cannonington." He gave them the famous Sparrow grin. "It's foreign."

"What's your purpose in Port Pacamac, Mister Cannonington?" Phillip said, using air quotes around the words 'Mister Cannonington' and winking obviously at Merv, nudging him with his elbow.

"Haha yeah, Mister Cannononingnononington…" Merv trailed off before he made an even bigger arse of himself. "And no lying!" He added trying to recover the situation.

"Alright then. I confess. I came to steal a ship, sail to Tortuga and pick up some crew to rave with. Then I'm going to get completely rat-arsed and most likely fall over several times." Jack said, smiling amiably at them.

"I said no lies!" Merv cried. "Why doesn't anybody listen to me? Can nobody hear the words coming out of my mouth??"

"I think he's actually telling the truth, Merv." Phillip said in puzzlement.

"If he was telling the truth he wouldn't have told us you idiot!" Merv cried.

"Don't call me an idiot! Idiot!" Phillip yelled, before they both dropped their weapons and began to have a girl fight, complete with slapping, hair pulling, biting, scratching, pinching and squealing.

"UNLESS!" Jack shouted. They stopped, midfight. Merv was still biting Phillip's wrist and Phillip still had Merv in a headlock. "Unless of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told you."

There was a pause.

"I'm so CONFUSED" Merv cried.

---

The promotion ceremony had finally come to a finish, with no further accidents or disasters to report.

The rich and important were swanning around drinking sherry, eating cheese and pineapple on a stick and listening to the band play relaxing melodies on the only salvageable instruments left after Norrington's accident.

Elizabeth spotted said Commodore pelvic-thrusting his way over and hurriedly pretended to be in a conversation with some friends. Then she remembered she didn't have any. So effectively, she was talking to herself. "Balls." She muttered crossing her arms defensively and generally looking surly.

"What was that about balls??" Norrington said excitedly, uncomfortably close to her ear.

"Nothing." She said sulkily, rubbing her sore ribs and looking for an exit.

"Oh alright then." He said in slight disappointment "May I have a moment anyway?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

'NO NO NO BUGGER OFF!' screamed Elizabeth's brain, but her treacherous mouth said. "I suppose."

He led her away to a secluded sheer drop and Elizabeth leaned against a wall sulkily. She looked down at the sheer cliff face and sighed loudly.

"Er, you look… um… what's the word I'm looking for?" Norrington began. "No, not sexy. Not kinky… um… LOVELY! Yes, you look lovely Elizabeth." He beamed at her. "Although, you are wearing a rather amusing hat. Look it's decorated with vol-a-vents. And jelly babies! Genius." He said, reaching out to take one.

Elizabeth attempted a pained smile as she swiped his hand away.

"What's the matter?" He said. "You look like you can't breathe. Har har har. Woof. Anyhow…"

A plan started to formulate in Elizabeth's mind. She clutched her ribs, moaning and wheezing over dramatically.

Norrington turned away from her with a sleazy smile and said "I apologies if I seem forward but I must speak my mind."

Elizabeth meant to say "Forward? This isn't forward! Forward for you is trying to undo my dress at dinner!" but as she was wheezing so hard she only snorted in an attractive manner. And when I say attractive, I mean attractive to other pigs. She leaned against the wall heavily, closed her eyes and moaned. "Oh the pain… Oh the paiiiin!" She said dramatically. Elizabeth glared at him when she realised he wasn't even paying attention. She decided to crank it up a notch.

"This promotion only highlights the fact that I'm still single. People are starting to think it's weird that I haven't gotten married yet. They think it's odd that I'd rather hit on everything that moves rather than settling down" Norrington said in a puzzled voice, rambling on and on about basically nothing. "They think I should be married to a fine woman." He turned suddenly. "You have become a fine woman Elizabeth. Veeery, veeery FINE!" He made a horny sort of growling noise and Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh, oh, oh. I SIMPLY CANNOT BREATHE. Perhaps I had better _sit down for a few calming moments by myself_."

Norrington turned away again as Elizabeth screamed in frustration and shouted "What are you, blind?? Oh, oh no, look I'm falling. Falliiiing…" She looked at him and mumbled "Oh for Christ's sake." before taking a running jump off the wall with a very audible thumping noise.

"Yes, I'm feeling rather emotional myself." Norrington rambled on; oblivious to the fact his audience was committing suicide. "It's rather marking the end of an era for me, since when we're married I won't be able to 'WOOF' at other people so much… Elizabeth?" He looked around in confusion realising she had in fact, disappeared. "Elizabeeeeth?" He called again. "Yoo hoo??" He began to look around various stone walls. "Elizabeth? Oho, I know what's going on here…" He said in a sly voice, with an equally sly grin. "Oh, Elizabeth you kinky girl, we're playing hide and seek aren't we? WOOF, my dear, WOOF!" Thirty seconds later he heard a loud splash and after not being able to find her, looked over the side of the sheer drop. "OH MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH! ELIZABETH!" He cried, beginning to take off his clothes. Several soldiers rushed towards him and held him back.

"There's no use taking that off sir! You'll never be able to miss the rocks! It's a miracle she did!" One of them cried.

Norrington looked confused, halfway through taking off his shirt. "I wasn't going to jump in." He said.

"Then why where you taking off…?" The solider trailed off and shook his head. No one even tried to understand the Commodore anymore.

---

Back where the interesting people where, Jack was telling stories of his magnificent adventures to the two guards, Phillip and Merv. He sat atop several barrels, whilst his audience sat on the floor gazing up at him in awe, Phillip clutching a moth-eaten teddy-bear. Jack had a small figurine of himself in one hand and an island native figure in the other.

"…and then I went 'bam!' and he goes 'whack!' and I'm like 'yeah! Take that you little creep!' and then they like, tried to make me their King but I was like, nahh, too much effort so I got back on the raft I single-handedly made out of one plank of wood and a spatula and I sailed all the way to Japan." He beamed at his audience and threw the native figure overboard. "So that was the end of King Tatamulhala. All worship SuperJack, eh?"

Phillip stuck his thumb in his mouth and went in amazement "Then what happened??"

Jack studied the sleeve of his coat. "So, then of course this huge sea monster thingy, like… ROSE out of the sea and-"

He was interrupted however, by a loud splash a few yards from the ship.

"It's the monster!" Screamed Merv.

"Don't be ridiculous." Scoffed Jack, walking to the side of the ship with the soldier's shuffling behind him.

Elizabeth's tea-tray hat bobbed over a rapidly fading patch of bubbles, along with a few jelly babies and a soggy vol-u-vent.

"Will you be saving her then?" Jack asked, in a deadpan sort of way realising immediately that some foolish woman had fallen off the fort.

"Me??" Squealed Philip. "I can't swim!"

"Don't look at me! My wig will get wet!" Merv cried as Jack cast his gaze in his direction. "You're the big hero! You save her!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Fiiine. I'll do it myself!" He took off his gun belt, hat, coat and sword. "Do NOT loose these or I will be forced to slap you." He said, doing some last-minute warm-up exercises.

With a war cry he may or may not have learnt from the tribe of natives, he dove off the boat and into the water.

"Bring us back some jelly babies!" Cried Merv. "I only like the yellow ones!"

Phillip looked at him in disgust. "You weirdo." He said.

---


	4. Darling it's better

_Bwaa hello, I finally got round to writing another chapter of this. If anyone is still reading this. Which they probably aren't. But anywayy... here it is. OH. Also, if you haven't read the REVISED chapter 3, please do as the previous one was quite literally crap._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing since I am too poor to buy the rights to it and too thick to invent it!_

Chapter 4 – Darling it's Better, Down where it's Wetter...

Elizabeth sank slowly to the bottom of the bay, her stupid child dress dragging her down. She didn't mind though. It was a good deal more exciting than listening to Norrington, pervert extraordinaire, ramble on about himself. She looked around the murky world she now inhabited. To the right there was a large shadow passing overhead, presumably a ship, and a large sapphire necklace sunk rapidly past her. "Odd." She thought. To the left there seemed to be some sort of fish party going on. A small crab was singing to some red-headed girl with a tail. "Odder." She thought. "The fish tail must be uncomfortable, not to mention unsightly. Oh well, mustn't be uncharitable to the unfortunate." She waved at them cheerily.

Suddenly, a new disturbance in the water became apparent. A man with long dreadlocks and dirty clothes was headed straight for her, violating her sinking space. Elizabeth looked up at him. "Hey! Find your own spot!" She shouted. Unfortunately, as we are talking the olden days here, so women were, as a rule, uneducated… she didn't realise at first this act could in fact kill her. She choked on forty tons of seawater and nearly passed out, flailing her arms in a slow-motiony, underwater-ish way. The flailing dislodged her stolen pirate bling, setting it free to terrorize the waters (within a foot of Elizabeth of course – it was still attached around her neck). Booming laughs emitted from the piece of jewellery and it started to send out sonic waves in all directions.

Oblivious to all this, Elizabeth panicked away, eventually falling into a temporary state of unconsciousness.

----

Back on the surface, Phillip and Merv were playing rock paper scissors. A steady gale was blowing around them, the ship they were on practically overturning as the huge waves cresting against it. Jets of water were blasting from the sea whenever an invisible wave of pirate bling power reached the surface. The wind howled, things flew off the shore into the water, boats overturned, people were swept out to sea…

The two guards clung onto the handrail of the ship. "One, two, three, GO!" Merv called, shooting a pair of scissors. Phillip had picked rock and promptly doffed Merv's scissors with his fist. "It's getting a bit windy don't you think?" He said nonchalantly. A horse sailed past them, running wildly in mid air. A man was still sitting on it, looking confused.

"Hmm. 'Spose." Replied Merv. "Double or nothing. One, two, three, GO!"

----

Jack sped towards his intended target, who ten seconds before seemed to be in no dire need of help. He sailed past her by about ten metres and then had to propel himself backwards with some difficulty to get level with her. By the time he reached her, she looked pretty much dead. Jack shrugged. He had come down her to do a job and damn it, that job he was going to do!

He grasped Elizabeth bodily under the arms and began to drag her upwards. Unfortunately, her stupid clothes were so heavy that he was just about making them hover in one place. He screamed curses inwardly, not outloud as he had more common sense than Elizabeth. He had just decided the only way to get them to the surface would be to remove some of the clothes, and was trying to think of what way to go about it when Elizabeth awoke from her unconsciousness.

She glared at Jack, and then fumbled around in her purse for a small notebook and a ballpoint pen. It would have been a fountain pen, but have you even tried to get those bloody things to work under water? Anyhow, she scribbled a note to Jack in flowery, cursive handwriting. "_Who the bloody hell are you?_" Jack sighed, rolled his eyes and gestured for the paper and pen. She handed it over reluctantly. He wrote slowly and carefully with his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. "I AM CAPTIN JACK. I AM SAVIN YOU YOU STOOPID GIRL." Jack wrote in blocky, misspelled script. Unfortunately, he had had even less of an education that Elizabeth, so it was the best he could do. Especially when they had been under water for ten minutes.

Elizabeth snatched back the book. "_You aren't doing a very good job._"

"TAKE YOUR BLOODY DRESS OFF."

"_How dare you__ be so crude__! I am a lady of wealth and propriety!_"

"YOU COLD BE THE QUENE OF SHEBA FOR ALL I CARE. YOUR TOO HEVVY WITH IT ON."

"_No!"_

"COME ON. YOUR WEARING SIXTY LAYERS UNDERNETH ANYWAY."

"_Well… I suppose… Don't watch.__ I said don't watch!__"_

"IM NOT LOOKIN!" Jack propelled himself one hundred and eighty degrees and waited until he saw the large poncey dress floating away mournfully beneath him. He turned himself around again and Elizabeth was floating sulkily in her shift and corset, her arms crossed protectively over her chest. Jack made some gestures towards the surface and grabbed her by the wrist. He swam quickly towards the surface, his reluctant cargo in tow. As they broke into the open air, he began to head for the nearest jetty and Elizabeth began to moan.

"Just look at me!" She cried. "In my underclothes! With my hair all ratty! Makeup running down my face no doubt. At least that damn dress is gone. What did you have to come and rescue me for? I was having a nice time down there. I was going to join in the fish party before _you_ showed up. Flailing you arms around like a woman. Honestly."

"I think you'll find that was you." Jack mumbled, water splashing into his mouth. He spat it back out, hoping it was in Elizabeth's path. She went on obliviously to the fact that someone other than herself had spoken.

"…And it's bound to be cold when I get back on land. Why's there patio furniture in the water? And several people?" There was a clattering of Navy-issue boots and they realised that the Commodore and company were looning down from the fort.

"Oh ffff…iddle-sticks…" Jack said. Elizabeth emitted a small scream (which deafened several people in the surrounding area) and began looking for escape routes.

"Not Norrington again! Why? Why?? Quick, pretend I'm unconscious." She flung herself face-first under the water, bobbing back up again a second later.

Jack grabbed her by the hair just in time "You? Pretend you're unconscious? What about me, eh?? What am I meant to do?" Fortunately, Jack saw that at that exact moment the whole parade had stopped. One of the soldier's bootlaces had come undone and they were all pausing in order to help him tie it. Jack quickly swam the last few feet to dry land and shoved Elizabeth onto the decking. He then heaved himself onto it, sullen and dripping. The two guards galumphed onto the jetty just at the same time.

"Oh God! She's dead!" Phillip screamed, preparing to drown himself. "The Governor will kill us! We're all done for now!"

"She's not dead." Jack grumbled, wringing out his hair. "Just irritating."

Elizabeth cracked an eye open at him. "Hey. Don't get mouthy with me mister. Don't you know who I am?" She surreptitiously arranged herself into a more flattering position, showing just the right amount of leg and tilting her head to catch her best side.

Merv cleared his throat. "You know, er… corsets can be a very dangerous thing in this situation." He said. "Perhaps we should remove it… or something…" He waggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner and looked hopeful.

"I've not fainted you perverted little man, I can hear you." Elizabeth hissed.

During this little conversation, Jack had dried himself out as best he could and was now preparing to do a runner. However, something caught his eye. He leaned down slowly and picked up the large pendant around Elizabeth's neck. It was about the size of a fist, in gaudy yellow gold with diamonds studded around the edges. The skull emblem in the centre (also picked out in diamonds) was mounted on a spinner, similar to those found on 50 cent's cars wheels. He spun it thoughtfully. "Where did you get this?"

"Oh she's faint, ever so faint; I think we should remove the corset…" Merv interrupted, hinting obviously. Phillip smacked him.

"Shut up." Jack growled, but before Elizabeth could make up some reasonably plausible story, the Navy arrived with a blaring of bugles and a shout of 'huzzah!'

Jack leapt up like a leaping salmon, grabbing his stuff from Merv as he did so. He jogged off with a jaunty wave and a yell of "Catch you later lads!" Unfortunately, he had not got five yards before his face was millimetres away from being impaled on a sword. "Ahaha…ha…ha…" He laughed nervously, staring in a cross-eyed way at the sword tip. "This is uncomfortable…"

Norrington, who was attached to the other end of the sword, shouted "Unhand my woman you cad!"

"I'm not touching her!" Jack said.

"How dare you befoul her with your grubby mitts?? As my fiancée she is mine to be manhandled and 'woofed' at until her dying day! You have no rights!" Norrington continued, waving the sword around in a poncey way, dangerously close to Jack's face. He could feel the little whooshes of air as it flew past his nose.

"I'm not your fiancé!" Elizabeth called from the floor.

"Hush my love! Do not speak! You are too faint! Perhaps we should remove your corset? Yes? Woof?" He wiggled his eyebrows at her and Merv nodded enthusiastically. Her dad was helping her up, wiping his hands at intervals on a soldier's tunic, as not to soil his hands or ruin his manicure. He debated giving her his coat as it was quite likely she might catch pneumonia. But it was one of his favourite ones, heavily embroidered with silver thread. So he didn't. She hurriedly tucked the medallion down her shift, with some difficulty as it was quite large, and grumbled about how her dad loved his clothes more than her.

"Do you mind moving your sword?" Jack asked politely, not taking his eyes off the end of it. "It's in my way."

"Ahaha! That's what you want me to do!"The commodore shouted triumphantly.

"Well… yes…"Jack was confused.

"You bounder! You scallywag!" Norrington ranted on, oblivious to everything except his never-ending spiel of victory.

"Look, mate. I've just saved your, ahem, 'woman' and now you're pointing that at me. I don't really get why." Jack was starting to get annoyed. He hadn't even wanted any of this trouble. Only wanted to innocently come here, steal a ship, get away. Not much to ask. And now this!

Norrington faltered for a second. "Well… you are… um… you…" He looked at his soldiers for back-up and shrugged.

A rather dim looking one suddenly got a look on his face that suggested a candle had just been lit in his brain. Not that his head was about to explode or something. Just that he had formed an unexpected and rare idea. "He has the look of a pirate about him, some might say." He said slowly. Jack was seriously expecting a sound like 'duurrr' to follow this sentence.

"Yes! You must be a pirate!" Norrington shouted, his vigour returned with even more ridiculous sword movements.

"Of course I bloody am. Is that illegal in your country?" Jack said sarcastically.

"It is actually." Phillip piped up.

"He does not admit to being a pirate!"Norrington said.

"Yes I do."

"A sure sign of guilt! We'll have to imprison him and find out who he is!"

"Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service."

"The only way to discover the identity of this elusive criminal!"

"I just told you my identity."

"Someone clap him in irons!"

Jack sighed. "Look, to be honest. You're a bit of a tosser really."

"Here here!" Elizabeth cried. She was the only one listening. Everyone else was either: A) trying to find some irons or B) find out what irons actually were.

Jack shook his head in disgust. "I'll just leave you to it." He said. "Have a nice life."

And with that he plopped his hat onto his head, slung his coat over his shoulder and strolled off down the docks humming 'Copacabana' to himself.


End file.
